How In The World Did I Get Here?

Combining depression, weight gain, and high anxiety creates an Eating Disorder Cocktail. Thus, leading to me going on an unhealthy "diet." I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm feeling myself spiral out of control and instead of using the tools I've been given, I'm putting them on the shelf and not dealing with my so-called emotions.

I'd rather isolate and become nothing. It's how I'm feeling. I can't do anything right, or please anyone. I can't be pretty or thin enough. I can't be perfect, therefor I want nothing at all. Except to disappear.

I feel so disconnected from all of my friends, my boyfriend, my family. I miss my mom more and more as reality of her death sinks into my hurting soul.

I've been trying to turn this feeling around for about a week, and can't seem to do it. I plaster this well-crafted and fake smile on my face everywhere I go. Showing off how "happy" I am to everyone around me. But I'm crumbling into nothingness on the inside.

Honestly, I don't want to feel like this. I want something better for myself. But I'm finding it harder and harder to keep this facade up. I feel desensitized to the whole world.

In all honesty, I'm juggling the thoughts of recovery vs. ED. And ED seems to be winning at the moment. My thoughts are all plagued by weight gain and weight loss, calorie counting and restricting, and the fear of never becoming anything or losing everything. Once again, I search for control and I'm running in circles trying to find where I misplaced it.

Rationally, I know that starving myself to numb my emotions, is only setting me up for more anguish. Rationally, I know that starving my mind, body, and soul is not the answer. Rationally, I know that all of this will pass if I just give it time. But knowing and doing are two different things.

And then the question, "How in the world did I get here in this dark abyss?" comes into play. I can't even answer this question. I don't even know why I try.

Where the hell is the silver lining to this cloud?

<3 PJ